Warriors Lost their Minds
by Smokewisp
Summary: This is what happens when Warriors spend all their time watching too much TV... Tigerstar is an alien? Fourtrees grafitied? And worst of all...Bluestar on antibiotics?
1. Graffitied

One day Thornclaw charged into camp with a look of pure terror across his face. He shouted,"I need to talk to Firestar!"

Graystripe narrowed his eyes,"He has an appointment right now..."

Thornclaw pushed past Graystripe and went into the leader's den,"Firestar!"

The ginger-flame colored tom cat has his paws crossed and was meditating,

"Purr..."

"Firestar!" Thornclaw cried,"Fourtrees has been graffitied! With horrible signs and writings on it! Come look!"

Firestar looked up,"I'll send a patrol..." He looked at Graystripe,"Get Mousefur, Cloudtail, and Spiderpaw. Now!"

Graystripe nodded and quickly departed. He came back with the cats on his heels and he said,"Could I come on the patrol?"

"No, you must guard camp in case there is an attack planned."

"Sir yes sir!" Graystripe saluted Firestar with his paw and Firestar gritted his teeth,"Please don't do that."

"Sir yes sir!"

"Whatever..." Firestar disappeared out of camp with the patrol trembling behind him. When he reached the four oak trees towering over the forest, red, blue, and purple markings were on the tree that symbolized ThunderClan. Cloudtail frowned sarcastically,"'We're gonna' get you', 'Firestar stinks' and 'Leave now or die'..."

Indeed, the writings said that. Firestar started sucking on his paw and rocking back and forth,"Mommy..."

Mousefur rolled her eyes,"Firestar, get up..."

Suddenly, a harsh voice called out beside them,"The leader wants his mommy? Well, she's dead in kitty-pet land..." A cackle sounded out.

The patrol spun around to find themselves looking at Tigerclaw.

Firestar looked suprised,"I thought you were dead, you flea bag..."

"I was! _MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_ And then I got thirsty in StarClan and came down here to get a drink of water..." He flicked his tail to a small river nearby.

Firestar suddenly burst out laughing. Tigerclaw's ears twitched.

"What's so funny, kitty-pet?"

"You...have...a pink bow!" He choked between laughs. Mousefur, Spiderpaw, and Cloudtail looked closer and saw a light pink baby bow tied around Tigerclaw's neck.

"Well, you see, it was a gift from Bluestar. She gave it to me for...well, I don't really know why she gave it to me. Maybe because I looked so bad before I came down here."

Mousefur giggled,"You look bad with _that_!"

Tigerclaw shifted uncomfortably.

Firestar stopped laughing,"Why are you here any way?"

"I was thirsty, I told you..."

"No, I mean, why are you in ThunderClan territory?"

"I dunno...Maybe because I feel like it."

"Well, get your butt off because it's our territory...Not pink-bow-cat's..."

Firestar started laughing again. Tigerclaw growled,"That's enough! I am going back now." Out of no where, Tigerclaw pulled out something that looked like a blue button. He pushed it with his nose and a blinking green UFO floated down and beamed Tigerclaw up into the space-craft. Bluestar looked down from it,"Hello, forest! Here we come, Texas- I mean StarClan!"

Mousefur blinked,"What the-"

Firestar shook his head,"Anyway... About the graffiti."

Cloudtail grinned,"It sounds like it's a joke because at the bottom of the tree it says 'Yours truly, Cheese Butt'." Firestar frowned,"I'm going to talk to Cinderpelt and see what she says..."

When they got back to camp, he went into the medicine cat's den,"Cinderpelt?"

"Oh, Firestar! Have you done your morning yoga, yet?"

"Yes...But anyway...We found Fourtrees graffitied... Can you talk to StarClan? It might mean something!"

"Of course, Firestar. I will talk to Bluestar tonight."


	2. Cheeeeeeeze

This is a really funny chapter so READ!

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That night, Cinderpelt waited for a sign from StarClan.

Suddenly she saw a white light and she saw Bluestar standing in front of her,"Ham! Ham! Ham!" The cat cried and Cinderpelt frowned,"_What?_"

"Ham! Baloney! Cheeeeeeeeeeeze!"

"Bluestar! Why are you crying out sandwich ingredients!"

"Ham! Cinderpelt! You must eat more cheeeeeeeeeeze!"

"But Fourtrees is graffitied! I need a sign!"

"You need cheeeeeeeeeze!"

"_Cheese?_"

"Yes! Cheeeeeeeeeze!"

"Bluestar! Are you ok?" And there was a slight pause where Cinderpelt saw Spottedleaf.

"Spottedleaf! Bluestar's gone mad!"

"No she hasn't... Her StarClan medicine cat told her to overexert herself to make her whisker pains go away...Sorry about that."

"It's fine...Who graffitied Fourtrees?"

"You will find the answer on the fresh-kill pile."

"_What?_"

"Cheese alone will save our Clan..." Spottedleaf vanished when Cinderpelt came back to her den.

"Cheese? StarClan's lost it." She padded across camp and into the leader's den. Firestar was humming to himself and lighting candles. When he saw Cinderpelt looked at him like he was crazy, he said,"Spottedleaf said that fire alone will save our Clan!"

"Well, now it's cheese."

"_Cheese?_"

"Yeah, that's what I said."

"Weird..."

"I know. Let's check our Fourtrees now and see if we can find any clues..."

"Okay. Let me get Graystripe."

"Sure. I'll meet you at the camp entrance."

When Firestar gathered Graystripe, who was still yawning, they set off for Fourtrees.

When they got there, they hid behind a bush because they heard some sounds by the trees.

They peeked closer and there were a couple little brown mice with large pieces of red chalk in their paws.

One was squeaking,"Ha ha! After all those times that they hunted us, we can get them back now! You should have seen Firestar the other day!"

Graystripe was not fully awake for this,"What the heck are those mice doing?" He yelled. The mice whipped around and aimed their chalk sticks at them like a weapon,"Don't move or we'll shoot."

"That chalk? You idiots..."

Suddenly, the chalk pieces turned into little machine guns. Firestar's eyes widened,"Where do they get this stuff?"

"Oh, I bought it over at-Never mind...Fire!"

Firestar, Cinderpelt, and Graystripe all the dodged the tiny bullets. Suddenly Firestar got hit with one. He fell down.

"Graystripe!"

"Firestar! Don't die! That Clan needs you!"

"Can you...do...one more thing...for me?"

"Anything!"

"Can you please get this Laughing Gas Bullet out of me before it starts...working...HA HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Cinderpelt couldn't help but smile,"Get it out of him or he'll wake the whole forest!"

"You're the medicine cat!"

"Fine." She pulled the bullet out and then Firestar started snoring. "Oh great," Cinderpelt sighed, "I'm not dragging that great lard back to camp."

"Me neither..." When Graystripe looked at Fourtrees, the mice were there, trying to get their guns loaded,"We're out of AMO!" They suddenly started cowering underneath the cats.

Cinderpelt smiled wider, giggling,"Spottedleaf said the answer would be on the fresh kill pile. Cheese alone will save our Clan." The mice started running away and then Cinderpelt called,"_Who wants cheese?_" The mice stopped dead in their tracks and started gobbling down the cheese that Cinderpelt just gave them. Cinderpelt sat there, looking at them eating. She exchanged glances with Graystripe and he nodded,"Get them."

That night there were two more mice on the fresh-kill pile.


	3. Freshkill Pile

That morning, Firestar woke up in his den. It turned out that Cinderpelt and Graystripe had to ask Tigerclaw to carry Firestar back to his den because Firestar was so fat!

Anyway, when he woke up, he darted into the medicine cat den where Cinderpelt was watching an exercise video. The wall-TV said, "Morning exercise with Strongfoot. This RiverClan warrior suggests to stretch your tail before the rest of your body. For example-"

Cinderpelt suddenly turned around,"Oh, hi, Firestar." She quickly shut off the television with a quick blush (she had always likes Strongfoot).

"Yes?"

"Where are the mice?"

"On the fresh-kill pile. Why?"

Firestar suddenly screamed,"_Must destroy mice!_"

He rushed out into the clearing, knocking several cats out of the way and he started digging in the fresh-kill pile. He accidently hit Sandstorm on the head with a woodpecker so she fainted on the spot. He started yelling,"Where are the mice?"

Cinderpelt said,"Calm down, Firestar! We killed them last night for the fresh-kill! Calm down! Longtail's already eaten them both."

Firestar's eyes still stayed wide and he screamed,"_Mice!_"

He charged into the elder's den and started beating all the elders asking, "_Where are the mice?" Where are they?_" He suddenly saw Longtail,"Mice..."

He lunged at Longtail, who was completely unaware of what his leader was doing, with claws outstretched and he attacked the elder.

Longtail cried,"Firestar is murdering me! Murder in the elder's den! _Murder!_"

Longtail didn't end up being killed because Squirrelflight dragged her father away, nicely explaining that the mice were gone.

Firestar panted,"Well, it's not like anyone was hurt or panicked..."

Squirrelflight rolled her eyes, padding into the warrior den muttering something like "hurt or panicked" and "rubbish" while Longtail was being treated for shock a couple dens down from her.

Thornclaw, a couple tail-lengths away, sighed,"ThunderClan has lost it..."

Suddenly, he pulled out his game-boy advance and started playing Poke'mon,"Oh, yeah you stupid Charizard! Die!" He laughed manically and then sighed,"I love myself..."


	4. Trips and Teeth

Firestar jumped on the Great Rock the next morning.

"Cats old enough to catch their prey, or whatever that stupid speech is, please get your butts over here so I can tell you something."

The cats slowly and groggily slunk out of their dens to listen to Firestar.

The leader beamed down on his tired-looking Clan,"Cats of ThunderClan! I have now retired for right now on my leadership duty...To take a cruise!"

The Clan couldn't help smile at finally getting rid of this neurotic leader. Firestar suddenly pulled out a visor and sun glasses,"Good bye, Clan! Aloha, Hawaii."

The cat leaped down from the rock and bounded away. The second Firestar had disappeared from sight, a megaphone went off,"_It's time to party!_"

A disco ball appeared over the camp and the cats started dancing and moving every part of their body to the music (which just randomly appeared). StarClan frowned upon them, but Bluestar couldn't help but tap her paw to the music.

Furious, she spat,"How dare they rejoice when their leader has left them! He didn't even tell StarClan! And I curse all of those who are dancing!" But even she herself was moving.

Spottedleaf smiled,"Heck with all these rules! The idiot is gone!"

Meanwhile, Firestar was on the islands getting sunburned, trampled by tourists, and evenbeing nipped by dolphins. He stomped back to the Clan,"I've had it! I am not going on any more cruises!"

The Clan was asleep so no one responded.

He bowed to the crickets,"Thank you for being so kind for replying to my, um, speech..."

The crickets looked blankly at each other.

Firestar had a tooth-ache the next day,"Cinderpelt!" He moaned, "I need a dentist!"

"I've tried all the poppy seeds and cobwebs I could do for your mouth but there's nothing else I can do!" She said desperately.

Indeed, Firestar's mouth did look like a big marshmallow.

He took out all the medications,"Do any of the Clans have a medicine cat I could see?"

Cinderpelt looked taken aback, "I doubt you'll find one and I am a very suitable medicine cat! I guess you aren't pleased with your decision..." She stalked out of his den and into her's with her nose in the air.

Firestar moaned as the tooth throbbed again. He staggered out of camp and into the WindClan camp where Tallstar welcomed him in with friendliness,"Firestar, come to my den! How good it is to see you!"

Firestar stopped him,"Look, I've got a bad tooth and I just need a dentist..."

Tallstar frowned, "I'm very sorry because you've helped WindClan so much, but we can't do anything for you. I'm sorry, Firestar..."

Firestar hissed numbly and he padded into the RiverClan camp where the place smelled strongly of fish.

"Pee u!" He cried and waved his paw over his nose. The he said to the disgruntled looking Leopardstar,"I need a dentist! Fast!"

"Since you have said our camp smells like fish, which it does, you cannot have Mothwing to your service!" She had her warriors escort him to Fourtrees. The he turned to ShadowClan.

He took a deep breath and ran inside their camp.

He darted into Blackstar's den where he was watching Strongfoot, the exercise instructor.

Firestar cleared his throat, "_Ahem..._"Blackstar whipped around, "Firestar! I should have my warriors set an attack on you but because you still have 8 lives left, there would be no point...So, what do you want?"

"A dentist!"

There was a brief pause and then Blackstar smiled,"I have just the cat..." Blackstar didn't take Firestar into Littlecloud's den, but he took him into another spare den which Firestar had never seen or heard of.

"It's called the Dentist Den. You are seeing Mr. StripoftheTiger today...Enjoy!"

Firestar cautiously sat on the little leaf-chair with all these stick dental tools sitting beside him on a tree stump. Suddenly, this misty white gas filled the place and in it, there was a familiar face.

"_Tigerclaw?_ Why do you keep showing up every where?"

"I don't know..._But I must get that tooth_!"

Firestar shrunk back,"I'm not letting a crazy cat like you in my mouth!" He rushed out of the camp but he tripped on a rock and his tooth was knocked out.

"Oi!" He said and looked at the fang,"Cool! I wonder where Tigerclaw is..."

But the tabby was streaking after him.

"_Tooth! Me must get tooth!_"

"No you must not!"

Tigerclaw leaped into the air and landed on Firestar, taking the sharp-looking pointy twig and trying to stick it in Firestar's mouth.

"The tooth is already out!"

"I must get another tooth then! This is what I'm paid for!"

"Hey, hold on... You're not paid!"

"You're right...Goodbye." In a second, Tigerclaw was flying away in his UFO with Bluestar.

"What a day..."Firestar sighed and trudged home.


	5. Darth Fairy

The next night was a Gathering. Firestar chose himself, Graystripe, Sandstorm, Brakenfur, Cinderpelt, Spiderpaw, Sorreltail, and Leafpool to go to the Gathering. For some reason, Firestar dug up his old kitty-pet collar and hung his tooth around it, wearing it to the Gathering. When he got there, he leaped onto the High Rock where Tallstar, Leopardstar, and Blackstar were sitting and talking. Below them, many cats chatted and shared tounges.

Tallstar started, looking curiously at Firestar's collar, for Firestar hadn't worn it for several years.

"Cats of all Clans, welcome to this Gathering underneath the full moon and Silverpelt. Now the leaders will share their news after I announce my Clan's. WindClan has grown very strong these past few days and as leaf-bare is coming up, we would still like no attacks for our prey. Thank you."

He stepped back as Leopardstar and Blackstar shared their new until it came down to Firestar.

Firestar cleared his throat and started off,"Cats of well, all Clans... I am sorry if I bothered you for a dentist because it turns out that while my dentist was chasing me about to rip my head off," He glared at Blackstar, "I tripped and my tooth came out and I am wearing it on my kitty-pet collar right now."

The Clans murmured protests but it was silent.

Suddenly, a shout echoed out,"I want Firestar's tooth!"

Sandstorm jealously leaped onto the High Rock and snatched Firestar's tooth,"It's probably worth tons of prey!"

Then Blackstar frowned and took it from Sandstorm,"Since my medicine cat got his tooth out, well not really, I should have it!"

Graystripe argued, leaping up to steal it from Blackstar,"I'm his best friend so I should have it!"

Firestar got it back,"It's my tooth, so I should keep it!"

There was a silence until all the cats at the Gathering were leaping onto Firestar trying to get his tooth, since it wasn't common for a cat to loose their tooth.

Cries rang out in the night,

"It's mine!"

"No, Mr. Toothy is _mine_!"

"_I have it now!_"

"And I just stole it from you!"

"I want Mr. Toothy!"

"No, I want the fang, _more_!"

Suddenly, a green light shined in every cats' faces.

The familiar UFO hovered above them until Tigerclaw grinned,"MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Mr. Toothy is mine now!"

He beamed the fang up to him and he roared with laughter, floating away.

Everything was quiet again. The Firestar turned to Sandstorm,"Thanks a lot, Sandstorm."

"Any time, Firestar." She smiled and padded back to camp with the other cats from ThunderClan grumbling behind her saying things like "I wanted it and now it's gone" or "It's all your fault that Tigerclaw came" or "I can't believe it! I almost had it..."

The Gathering, as you now know, ended early that night and Firestar was very mad at Sandstorm.

He stormed into the warrior den and found Sandstorm sleeping already but he heard some noises.

"My preciousssss...She'sss mine..."

"Huh?" Firestar raised his eyes and he saw Brambleclaw hovering over this small object.

"Hey! That's my tooth!"Firestar yowled and tackled Brambleclaw.

"How'd you get it from Tigerclaw, you thief?"

"It's not your tooth! Squirrelflight gave it to me! It's a ring!"

Firestar stood silent and still, narrowing his eyes,"What for?"

"Because today's my birthday!"

"Oh, goodnight. And sorry." Firestar yawned and padded into his den.

Brambleclaw snarled as his leader slinked out of the warrior den and then Brambleclaw looked back at the tooth in his hand. Little purple wings sprouted from his back and then Brambleclaw said in a Darth Vader wheezing voice,"Firestar...I...AM..._THE TOOTH CAT!MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_


	6. Note to all Readers

Not a chapter

Ummm...I just have to say that I have a serious case of Random Writer's Block for this story...if I can have some ideas...then I can continue this as a sequal with the New Prophecy, which I will do anyway with or without your ideas.

I was bit by the randomness bug recently so...be ready for more stories!

_MUAHAHAHAHAHA_

Anyway...See ya'!


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